(no subject)

[opusculus]

There's something about horrible trainwrecks in fiction that keep me reading like nothing else. I picked up Rabbit: Chasing Beth Rider by Ellen Maze because it sounded like an interesting concept. A woman marked by a vampire as all vampires' prey because her best-selling book was accidentally too similar to what the vampires actually are while a cult starts taking over the vampires? Awesome! Unfortunately, this was apparently written as evangelical Christian fiction so...you know, not so awesome in results.

This book was bad in so many ways I don't even know where to start! I think the main character actually manages to be more passive than Bella. Seriously. At least Bella has some kind of desire (to bang Edward and become a vampire rather than getting old and ugly) and is willing to try to act on them. Beth just prays and passively follows around the nearest dominant male. Her reaction to being told that the guy who attacked her was a vampire who marked her as all the vampire's prey and the guy telling her this is a vampire over a century in age himself, who has inexplicably decided to help her despite the fact that it could well kill him? "I trust you because God has all this under control." GOD FORBIDS YOU TO TELL A MANLY MAN HE'S FUCKING CRAZY, DUDES. No wait, dudes can. GOD FORBIDS YOU TO TELL A MANLY MAN HE'S FUCKING CRAZY, LADIES. You need to wait and pray and maybe glare defiantly, but only if they're currently trying to kill you.

Oh, and all vampires mostly only feed on men, because women are too holy and hysterical to feed on, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Except for the semi-good vampires! They can feed on women and maybe eventually get into a non-based on food only relationship. And just to make sure that you do know what I mean (since god forbid you not rub in an analogy), the good vampire character has a creepy stalker art dude for feeding on who's completely into him without ever implying sex, because sex is holy and doesn't belong in this holy novel of godliness. Oh good, a way to include homophobia without ever having to imply anyone's genitals touch. Ever. And people so low as to being willing to donate their blood to a person are inherently lesser beings, totally willing to put up with abuse for the honor of being bled by a vampire once a month. I mean, yeah, abusive relationships happen, but in a group where you only see them once a month? And donating blood makes them sickly and weak and they get nothing out of it and I'm sorry, why are these people donating blood again? OH WAIT BECAUSE ALL NON-CHRISTIANS ARE INHERENTLY DRAWN TO CORRUPTION. HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN.

And did you know that the Bible magically converts whoever reads it? Nope, not just vampires, which I could actually vaguely see considering their traditional weaknesses if the whole idea of them never having been exposed to the Bible when they've lived in Europe for centuries weren't completely absurd. Everyone. Including a Jew who at one point thinks "At the advice of every Jew he knew, Simon avoided the Gentile Bible. Too many Jews fell away after reading it.". YEAH REALLY. And putting Biblical verses in a normal book series is a sneaky way of converting people. And all non-Christians are always inexplicably angry when Christians bring up Christianity. I just. Look. If you haven't the faintest idea how anyone not in your denomination of Christianity views their faith or lack thereof, you are not qualified to write a book about converting people to Christianity. Seriously.

But man there's so much more badness in this it never stops being amazing. The romance is so badly written I actually thought she might not get them together by the end, because there absolutely no interest there. Well, how could there be between a woman who's only stated interest in the whole series is God (and possibly getting martyred for God - srsly dude, wanting to die for God doesn't make the whole wanting to die thing less fucked up), and a dude who's supposed to be a brooding sinful unsaved converted by the power of her holiness and never allowed to actually desire or express an interest in her in any way that isn't about her being oddly pure? I mean, seriously she. ....Actually she kind of reminds me of Lua from Baccano, except with God instead of Ladd. It's the whole incredible passivity, tendency to yield to anyone, and totally willing for the one she loves the most to kill her if it makes them happy. They even look kind of similar. THIS IS A HORRIBLE COMPARISON THAT MAKES ME A HORRIBLE PERSON BUT IT'S STILL TRUE DAMNIT. I've decided that Beth is Lua's granddaughter that got converted to fundamentalist Christianity before she found her Ladd. ...Which I guess actually isn't really any worse than dating Ladd so yay? (Seriously, she even looks like her.)

Oh and when they capture her and start torturing her because that's what you do to someone who's been marked as vampire prey, she passes out immediately from blood loss. For vampires who have presumably got a lot of practice at torturing people, these are some seriously crappy torturers. But then I guess if they'd actually tortured her she wouldn't have been able to drift around being passive and might have actually had to react, which god forbid. Probably literally in this book. I liked how the author totally wrote around having to write out her stirring sermon that converted most the vampire race to Christianity. I mean, it's not like the climactic scene of the book is important or anything.

Is there like, some kind of religious conspiracy to write the worst vampire book out there? Between this and Twilight, I'm starting to wonder.

Comments

[soc_puppet]

I... Sadly, the "volunteering to be bled by a vampire once a month" thing only reminded me of the lesbian vampire joke. And ...yeah.

Is there like, some kind of religious conspiracy to write the worst vampire book out there?
Shoot, maybe there is. I suddenly want to write out one-sentence summaries of the Bad Vampire Novel for each religion. Except I don't know enough about most of them, so that's probably out for me. Maybe someone else out there beat me to it.

[opusculus]

Pfft.

That would actually be totally awesome. I don't think I know enough about them to write either, but I'm now vaguely tempted to see if there's any bad Islamic or Catholic or Hindu or something vampire books.

[soc_puppet]

If I were into vampires, I might actually volunteer! I mean, it's better than that going to waste and all? And I'd know my, er, blood was going to exceptionally pure/holy vampires anyway, so! I am a terrible person and do not have an icon reflecting that on this account yet.

Just so you know, my brain just spend the last twenty-plus minutes coming up with a scenario for the Catholic version. So if you don't find any, I can write the summary up. Or even if you do.

[opusculus]

It's a totally practical use for what's otherwise a giant inconvenience! I probably would too. ...You know, I bet vampires would appreciate the invention of menstrual cups.

I TOTALLY WOULD. The closest thing I found to a Catholic vampire was
The Guardian, Revenant, and Dominion with the excerpt "Behind all that symbolism, could Jesus have also been a Vampire? No one wanted to accuse a Catholic of being a Vampire. It was sacrilege. It was unthinkable" on Amazon, and I'm not willing to spend $10 on it even out of morbid curiosity.

[soc_puppet]

XD You know, they probably would! In fact, I'd bet they either had something to do with their invention, or invested heavily in them once they were invented and did research and stuff to try and make them better/expand the market/what-have-you.

Wow, that's >_O Well, if it's a novel, I'd say it has a reasonable probability of meeting demands, but still. ANYHOW, my version! With the understanding that it will be deeply problematic and in bad taste and such, and that I don't actually believe in any of the bad shit, the challenge was just too brain-eating.

Faily Catholic Vampire Romance (more realistically, probably Crisis of the Cross or something)

The plot starts out introducing our Heroine, who we'll call Maria, because it's basically the same name as Mary but less so for most English speakers. She's in college (possibly about to start?) and has recently gotten engaged to Asshole McDoucheface, who we do not like in the slightest and is obviously wrong for her, especially because everyone can see he is not her True Love, and possibly she is just going along with general societal/mother-ish pressure to get married and pop out babies already, jeez, what's with you trying to have a life outside the home!

Anyway, Asshole (who we might end up calling Peter perhaps, or maybe Cain) is pretty hardcore Catholic, so he wants Maria to convert and stuff before they marry. So Maria starts going to conversion classes, and the guy who runs them, we'll call him Christopher Cross or something, is mysterious and darkly attractive and she finds herself strangely ~drawn to him~ or something. Also, all this Catholic education stuff is really interesting, and it's clicking really well with her for some reason.

This results in her and Christopher eventually meeting outside of class to discuss lessons and such. Even though these extra lessons feel a lot like dates to Maria, they're really perfectly chaste, and she keeps reminding herself that she's engaged and she loves Asshole, really (except not really or even remotely, but she's in denial; Catholics are good at that - that and guilt).

Blah blah, more classes, Maria's becoming more enthusiastic about converting, but is spending less time with Asshole, who is somewhat confused at this point. Eventually, she stays late after one conversion class, and ends up being attacked by some weird monster when she's walking home, oh noes! Thankfully, Christopher comes to save her when she's being all passive and victim-y, yaaay \o/ Pow! Biff! Bam! And the monster thing is either killed or knocked out. Christopher takes her to an all-night coffee place or grocery store or possibly even a perpetual adoration chapel to calm down a bit before transportation is either arranged or arrives, I'm not sure. Anyway, Maria confronts him, wants to know what that thing was, how he managed to save her, and the truth comes out.

Turns out, vampires are real! (Gasp, shock, surprise!) Not only that, Christopher is a vampire! (More shock!) Maria wants to know how the fuck he's able to go to church and why crosses and holy water don't work on him, and also she's totally seen him walking around in the daylight and shit, except she doesn't swear because she's a good little soon-to-be-Catholic girl. Christopher explains that there's basically two kinds of vampires: Good/pure vampires, and fallen/corrupted vampires. The "second life"/afterlife they talk about in Catholicism is actually life as a vampire! Which is how Jesus got to go walking around and shit, and also what he did to Lazarus was an early version of vampire-making or something.

In order to become a pure vampire, one must follow the teachings of the Catholic church really conservatively, which is why most people haven't managed it, especially recently. If you do that, then when you die, your body enters a state of second-life, and you become a "pure" vampire. You are able to go out in the daytime and church-y stuff doesn't hurt you because that's how you became a vampire in the first place. The way they feed is with the "blood (and possibly body) of Christ" (the wine at weekly communion, and possibly bread/wafer-thing), which keeps them going strong. In return, they become soldiers of God, with epic cool powers and stuff, like being really strong and having glowy eyes and superspeed and stuff. Weekly communion for humans is a way to introduce their bodies to pre-vampirism, and it's poison under a certain age, which is why First Communion isn't until second grade or so (or something). If a pure vampire misses a week, or a bunch of weeks, they will become physically very, very weak, but they will not die from that alone, and getting communion again can revive them completely.

Fallen vampires are those vampires who manage to follow all of the church's teachings in the first life, but then decide to drop it for one or more of them in the second. Because of this, they are cursed with weakness to sunlight (possibly a form of God's love?), they cannot go back to church, religious symbols hurt them, and they have to feed off of humans to survive. (I have no idea yet if it's possible for a corrupted vampire to become a pure vampire again through confession and reconciliation, though it does seem plausible; perhaps for a sequel.) They also probably get some sort of power boost, possibly through Allegiance With The Devil, I haven't decided that yet either (more future plotlines!).

Fallen vampires are also really pissed off/jealous of the church and pure vampires, and so try and corrupt pure vampires and Catholics who stand a good chance of becoming pure vampires before they die. SKEEVINESS AHEAD, the book would explain here that this is the reason behind all those "immoral" priests now being discovered and such, and the reason they're not being prosecuted is because they'll get what's coming to them anyway "in the next life". (Once again, not something I believe in, I think they should all be held 100% accountable and police should be able to investigate to the full extent of the law, etc, but the hypothetical devout Catholic who just wants to tell a romance story about vampires might believe it, so.) (At some time, a future book might also feature a fallen vampire who fell prey to the Evils of Homosexuality, and/or a fallen vampire woman who fell prey to the evils of Extra-Marital Sexuality, etc. They may or may not be able to be "saved", as previously touched on in parentheticals.) END SKEEVINESS, I hope.

Blah blah, more stuff happens, Maria begins to realize she's in love with Christopher, but isn't sure how to break things off with Asshole. Meanwhile, Asshole is getting more jealous and over-protective and, well, asshole-ish. Then, really close to her final confirmation/conversion thing, Asshole is killed in a car crash, possibly by a drunk driver. Maria is overcome with grief, but moreso by guilt, because Catholics can guilt like you wouldn't believe, and obviously it was her fault because she'd stopped loving him somewhere along the line. Christopher does his best to comfort her and is decently non-skeevy about it. She decides to go on with her confirmation.

ONLY THEN, at her confirmation ceremony, Asshole breaks into the church and interrupts! Turns out he qualified to be a 'pure' vampire, gasp! And he is pissed as hell and blames Christopher, etc etc. There is an epic battle, possibly it involves other classmates revealing that they are also pure vampires in disguise (and definitely other teachers doing so), and eventually Asshole is kicked out. ...Cannot decide if confirmation is put on hold or if it continues ("show must go on" style), but anyway, more stuff happens, Maria goes home, feels bad, etc. Christopher, who is still worried, offers to stay with her. She takes him up on the offer, and even if she does still feel a little guilty about it, her besottedness drowns out the guilt.

Cut to later, Asshole breaks in again, only this time it's her house (apartment?), and now he's a fallen vampire; he broke one of God's laws somewhere between the church and now, probably killing someone, IDK. Maria screams, feels helpless, is all victim-y, and Christopher once again bursts in to save the day and kick Asshole's butt. Probably doesn't kill Asshole, but makes it pretty damn clear that he's somehow more powerful and also Asshole isn't wanted around these parts no more. Asshole limps off to lick his wounds.

Somehow during the fight, it has also come to light that Christopher is head-over-heels for Maria, but she was engaged and then she was mourning, so he thought it wasn't appropriate. Maria explains that she never really did love Asshole, it was just all that stupid pressure stuff (etc), and really she's loved Christopher all along.

~Happily ever after~
...or at least until the sequel, and the next sequel, etc, until we can no longer milk it for stories/money/wev.

So! On a scale of 1 to Twilight, how would you rate it? 8D

[opusculus]

TOTALLY AWESOME AND SURPRISINGLY PLAUSIBE AS A CATHOLIC VAMPIRE STORY. XDDD ♥ I actually seriously want to read that now. POSSIBLY I AM A DORK. Although possibly it needs more id, but I don't think that's something you can really fake.

[soc_puppet]

XD Thank you, I think? Maybe I should find a ghost writer, hand the outline off to 'em and let 'em go for it in exchange for half the profits and coauthor credit under a horrible pseudonym. (And then donate half of that to Planned Parenthood, because I am not entirely altruistic, but do feel the need to make up a little for half bringing this into the world in the first place.)

[dogmatix]

reminded me of the lesbian vampire joke.
:D Yes?

Hmmm, I vaguely remember a vampire book that was based on/around Hinduism? Or at least there was something about nagas and lamias. I think. Can't remember the name of it, but it didn't hold my interest so I don't think it was all that great. XD; The main vampire/character was female, and there was drama and drama and angst.

[soc_puppet]

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "See you next month."

Shoot, I think I read that one. *quick search* Christopher Pike's Last Vampire series perhaps? I only read the first one, and it didn't particularly inspire me to read the rest ^^a

[dogmatix]

XD Yup, that's the one. I think I made it to book two, the review sounds familiar, and just as bad as the book.